Itz long since I spoke .. silenced by muzzle of pre conceived notions on actions I do or rather I am supposed to be doing ( when my thought process might not have strayed in those narrow lanes - they have carved out for me ). I had given up to their clamorous voice though inside me wanted to break free and roar out, what I went within. But then its over - coz the more you bend - the more people would crush you under their heels, just to make them appear taller and yes they were very much using my mental corpse as a pedestal to their pompousness and hollow pride.
Then it dawned upon me - that it was just not worth it - it didn’t solve my purpose or the groups purpose in a long run. My life had SPJCM had just started taking the colors of happiness and somehow I was trading my pain of being separated from close buddies at TCS to the new place. Suddenly the strange faces started hovering around, meeting them over the coffee cup or sharing the lunch plate or immersing in pain and smiles... suddenly things started becoming rosier..
That you become more - that you become known - to yet another soul in the world is always a nice feeling and here I was among sea of people. I started casting away the serious- professional image to some one more friendly and personal. Thought that they are my own- a corner of their thoughts are for me - who would understand me or make an attempt to understand me , get guided and guide me, spread few smiles and be a part of me ( more than the list in orkut or myface or linkedin) and for some time the things around me, bolstered my points. But then again I was wrong.
It all started with an anonymous mail, intended to spread more smiles than pain, but it was from some corner of brain which was never mine. I was branded of course but I decided to ignore the same but with a smile for giving them a reason to smile and drain from them ( even if a grain worth) worries and pain. The innocent smiles diffused from innocence and friendly to being indifferent to being irritated to being obnoxious. All thanks to trail of mails which grew more scandalous- uglier one after other.
So it was yet another night, when the crooked mind, the unknown was in action while rest of the sane world was sleeping and he did something which people only with no other better things to do in life and psychos could have pondered about. It created ripples and sadly they were all directed to me. All thanks to the mentality of some who judge only by preconceived thoughts born out of
fuzzy logic + grapevine + ratings they set for glamour + $%@#%^%#$^%$$% ...
I am not sure what they think of - and how they think of --- least of my botherations....
Least of my botherations??? No .,,, at least what followed after the mail .. I would not believe in that. For it was such a madness which ensued... The sea was against me .. I was washed with dirty accusations, dripped in views and and flooded with skewed categorizations - all for nothing I had role in....
And the ramblings grew, mushrooming from unimagined corners, hoarser, caustic and from people whom some time back I had thought were those who are a part of me .. Would listen to me ... the silence was demanding.. it was time to shut up and be in a shell, least u hurt them who were still dear to u.. time to vaporize the miles ...and stich lips to pacify their grins...and so I lay myself dead... a corpse whom u could walk over and step over to reach the place u want to ..
It was all right, It was all okay ... but then it was too much ,, when you are still blamed on and on,... it was probably too much of the assault or something in me which faded the images that I had created for them, that I woke up and have decided to speak up.. to be what i was .. and not be what they had boxed me in ...
Then it dawned upon me - that it was just not worth it - it didn’t solve my purpose or the groups purpose in a long run. My life had SPJCM had just started taking the colors of happiness and somehow I was trading my pain of being separated from close buddies at TCS to the new place. Suddenly the strange faces started hovering around, meeting them over the coffee cup or sharing the lunch plate or immersing in pain and smiles... suddenly things started becoming rosier..
That you become more - that you become known - to yet another soul in the world is always a nice feeling and here I was among sea of people. I started casting away the serious- professional image to some one more friendly and personal. Thought that they are my own- a corner of their thoughts are for me - who would understand me or make an attempt to understand me , get guided and guide me, spread few smiles and be a part of me ( more than the list in orkut or myface or linkedin) and for some time the things around me, bolstered my points. But then again I was wrong.
It all started with an anonymous mail, intended to spread more smiles than pain, but it was from some corner of brain which was never mine. I was branded of course but I decided to ignore the same but with a smile for giving them a reason to smile and drain from them ( even if a grain worth) worries and pain. The innocent smiles diffused from innocence and friendly to being indifferent to being irritated to being obnoxious. All thanks to trail of mails which grew more scandalous- uglier one after other.
So it was yet another night, when the crooked mind, the unknown was in action while rest of the sane world was sleeping and he did something which people only with no other better things to do in life and psychos could have pondered about. It created ripples and sadly they were all directed to me. All thanks to the mentality of some who judge only by preconceived thoughts born out of
fuzzy logic + grapevine + ratings they set for glamour + $%@#%^%#$^%$$% ...
I am not sure what they think of - and how they think of --- least of my botherations....
Least of my botherations??? No .,,, at least what followed after the mail .. I would not believe in that. For it was such a madness which ensued... The sea was against me .. I was washed with dirty accusations, dripped in views and and flooded with skewed categorizations - all for nothing I had role in....
And the ramblings grew, mushrooming from unimagined corners, hoarser, caustic and from people whom some time back I had thought were those who are a part of me .. Would listen to me ... the silence was demanding.. it was time to shut up and be in a shell, least u hurt them who were still dear to u.. time to vaporize the miles ...and stich lips to pacify their grins...and so I lay myself dead... a corpse whom u could walk over and step over to reach the place u want to ..
It was all right, It was all okay ... but then it was too much ,, when you are still blamed on and on,... it was probably too much of the assault or something in me which faded the images that I had created for them, that I woke up and have decided to speak up.. to be what i was .. and not be what they had boxed me in ...
Amidst all these torrid times, I realised it later, I stood not alone ,, there were cushions, supporting souls and I thank them for it was them who made me realise I was not alone .Yes I could fight back- I had started being deaf to myself -being dead within and it was in this paralysis of reasoning that I had forced myself into, that my nouvea friends injected in me a rejuvination.
so bbye bbye corpse and sorry chaps ( for those who want me to be the punching bag) I would be spoiling your expectations....... coz " I am back " and Like it or not " I m back here to be what I am and want to be " .....
