The first cut gushes out the stream of blood to a foreign environment- and that’s when it is the scariest most and post that blood gets used to it … “ yeah am flowing out .. going down the drains .. but so did the blood stream before me “ quips the “ not the first” stream of blood..
And as more blood oozes, the pain remains and mostly aggravates but then no one can take from the first stream the degree of scariness.
As I place myself in a quiet corner of quietest but extravagant restaurant in town when the city is maddening with celebration, meeting endless near and dear ones, exchanging wises and gifts, illuminating the sky with fireworks and adding to noise by choicest of firecrackers… the loner me , feels so left out. Yeah had been lonely but this is the first time when it is striking me so hard same way as when blood is let out … and am in pain, a terrible pain …
Next Diwali or next touch of this feeling might not be that painful and I hope that …. But the current one is just slicing me .. “ what’s the point of being through this ? “ , “ could I have avoided this ? “ , “ oh god! Have mercy , don’t pain me that much “ … “ am I through or is the degree of torment still left ? “ …
I am not answering these questions , and probably could not .. but am just not waking up to answer it .. am so much down with the pain ,, I know where it hurts, how it hurts, why it hurt but have surrendered to the inaction,, cant do much about it …
But then wait !! am I that deep in pain ? Definitely not , am probably enjoying what others are aspiring ..Freedom … treating myself at the best place.. this shows am not so helpless and I will fight back !!
Hope is a bastard. It doesn’t know which strand of DNA formulated it. Is it from the hopelessness all around or is from the hope that hopelessness all around, is at its tipping point.
